Where this blog got its title

This morning was another morning where I had to use a mantra that has been helpful for me from an amazing experience I had back in February.  I’m currently restructuring myself and rewiring my brain and learning to deal with emotions in a normal manner that I never completed and now plan to complete as an adult child.  I recommend John Bradshaw for those of us who haven’t yet dealt with childhood injuries and traumas.  This morning I got overwhelmed and angry and had to learn to calm myself down.  I started to feel that weird spiral that a sick brain can do when if latches on to darkness.

I spent over an hour on a drive trying to process, mature up my emotions, and rediscover the light inside of myself.  21 years on an antidepressant to mask emotions and now almost 4 years off so I’m still a fledgling.

This past difficult winter of PTSD and all its related crud had taken such a toll on my brain health that I cannot even describe the sensation, but it was physical and visceral inside my head.  I went through this without psychiatric medication.  I was very much aware of ill health in my brain and it felt dead and empty and dark.  There were additional sensations that there are no words for but it was uncomfortable and scary and I was fighting and afraid that I would never come back to a semi-sane state.  It felt like there was a dark storm in there that was nearing some type of cliff or abyss.   

I had used my phone in the winter months for various affirmations such as people can and do heal and that healing was inevitable along with other words of encouragement and reminders to myself.   I would imagine how this abscess that my cat had that was about 2 inches in diameter had healed with time and cleaning and nurturance.  Bodies heal and I had a good healing team and support from my sweetheart and friends and other people who had gone through similar experiences.  I had to hold on to that optimism that I would heal also.  The scary part was that the trauma started at such an early age that I was afraid that the very structure that needed to heal me was the very structure that was too sick to do the healing that it needed to do on itself.  This process has taken a lot of faith and patience on my part.

So last February as I had been suffering barely surviving the days to get through I had taken myself on a walk at lunchtime from work.  I had an intense “spiritual” experience that had a physical result while lying back on a cement bench looking up in to the budding trees above.  As I was thinking of life, awareness, experience, and dendritic spines, I realized that my focus on the experiences themselves as being “me” was an incorrect view of self.  The tree was not the buds nor the leaves nor the branches as much as it was energy of tree making the tree.  It was that life force pushing through the buds to prompt them to open and receive the blessing of sunlight.

Although self differentiates through experience and manifests itself through same, self is NOT the experiences.  Self is the experiencer.  Self is NOT the manifested, self is the manifestor.  There, self is divinity.

My entire neural substrates began a shift and I felt my energy moving as if from one seat to its opposite.  You know when you have that sudden shift of awareness when you experience an optical illusion of figure and ground?  Imagine that happening with not just your eyes and your awareness, but your entire brain and body.  The resulting shift moved me from anxiety to a state of intense peace and bliss.  My body actually tingled as I felt some kind of release.  I was no longer trying to find God, I was a piece of God, in Godness, in Energy, the Looker, the Energy at Source, having human experience and peeking through human form.  I had been stuck in the dance of the cosmos instead of the dance coming through me.

Afterwards, I was very calm for several weeks—without fear, without anxiety, having more compassion, having more quiet joy and internal giggles over the smallest pleasures and my experiences were in richer depths.    Time changed.  Instead of time feeling fast when I felt good or slow when I was uncomfortable; it shifted in to feeling eternal but irrelevant, and everything slowed to a delicious savory relationship with other entities in the physical domain.

So life does its thing and we get trapped in negativity and old patterns.  I had gone there this morning and remembered my mantra that has helped me so many times the past few months to find that state of peace and bliss.  The mantra is “find the light and be the light.”  It is that mantra that gives me strength to go inside myself, find that light, find ways to make myself happy, find that shift in which I become the light.  I’m not as overwhelmed now.  I think it’s time to do what needs to get done as I can, and make this day beautiful.