Recognizing our TRUE selves

Some time ago I had an amazing experience that at the time saved me, and the memory of it transforms me and sustains me.

It was a day back in February where I was struggling to keep my sanity as I was dealing with memories and realizations.  I didn’t want to be in that emotional state, but the memories and realizations made sense of why I was the way I was and so in that sense I was living more deeply and authentically to myself.  I had been more present with the thready bits of myself than ever before.  When I accepted the truths, I was less dissociative than when I tried to deny them.  However, being present with truths caused a considerable amount of pain that is so hard to describe.  It was tangible and I could feel it in my brain.  The discomfort was terrifying and I was afraid that I would end up yet again in a mental institution but this time never able to return to society.

My boss and my workmates knew that I was going through this and were more than cooperative.  They were compassionate and let me come to work and recluse to my work in the strange form I was.  I go for walks at lunch time and end with a stretch and a short meditation in an area between some buildings where there are benches and trees.

On this particular February day, I was laying back on the benches looking up in to the bare trees trying not to focus on this ominous darkness in my head but recognizing the experiences I had as I knew I couldn’t repress nor deny them anymore.  There was an echo memory of some talk I’d heard where someone was saying something that as bare as trees looked in the winter, there was busyiness in the roots and the branches out of vision where sap was stirring to produce buds and leaves – LIFE.  Having the 2 thought patterns simultaneously:  that of my feeling crazy, and that of the life producing the buds and leaves made me realize that I was identifying with buds and leaves instead of the life that produces the buds and leaves. 

Brain and body are manifestations of me – not the REAL me.  I am the manifestor, not the manifested.  As soon as I realized this something very tangible and physical happened.  I would love to know what an fMRI would have looked like.  It was like I could feel who I was (brain wise and soul wise) –- change places.  It was like I was sitting in a seat opposite of myself inside of myself.  I was at the core instead of the periphery.  My entire body tingled and I had a flood of relaxation.  I went from feeling tense and anxious to one of complete bliss and calm.  For several weeks after that time changed.  It was infinitely and deliciously slow.  I didn’t pay attention to what time it was because it was irrelevant.  Things took as long as they took.  I was more present with people.  I got feedback that I was more “soft” and gentle and it made me more attractive.

Unfortunately, the experience didn’t stay with me and I’ve had some rough times since.  However, remembering that helps put me back to that state from time to time. 

Realizing that energy is REAL, and that consciousness is real, makes me feel that that my core persists.  I was thinking of this the other day when I walked past a mirror in my bathroom, and I caught my own glance.  It was beautiful because I recognized me more than I ever have in my life.  Having had dissociative disorder, mirrors have always been challenging to me because I simply quite often have not recognized the person looking back at me.  Some times were worse than others because my own image faded and distorted and would be completely unrecognizable.  However, on that day, I KNEW myself.  I had a deep under-the-brain memory of myself.

So, the other day when I had a couple of PTSD triggers, and spiraled and tried to fight the spiral down, I kept having memories of the experiences of feeling this genuine self in contrast to this yuckiness that I was experiencing with the triggers.  I kept thinking to myself, “How can I feel so yucky when I know that I am something deeper and more pure than this emotional baggage?”  Yet, I knew that I was a person with emotions and that denying feelings didn’t serve me well either.  I did the basic “trigger treatment” that the books and the experts tell you to do:  rest, sit with the emotion and try to understand it, journal...  I could also feel that my mother would be telling me, “Get some water, some vitamins, and some sunshine.”  So, I did. 

The most significant realization came from understanding that the person who delivered the triggers was perceived as an “enemy” and that the real “enemies” were dead.  I knew that the person who inadvertently triggered me didn’t realize the complexity of the statements in how the emotional cascade could cause such a nexus of reaction.  I knew that this person was not my enemy as my enemies did not exist anymore.  I sat in the breeze and breathed and closed my eyes and repeated to myself over and over again, “My enemies are no longer – essentially dead.  My enemies are dead.  My enemies are dead.” 

Between the rest, water, good nutrition, vitamins and good old Vitamin D, and the emotional release through realization, I was able to pull myself out of this spiral faster than when I used to have them.  I am so blessed to have all the ingredients I need for successful healing and I pray for everyone else in their pain to have such wonderful ingredients for health.  Above, all, remembering who we really are, as I do believe that personalities are souls on brains, can promote such deep and beautiful healing.

Although self differentiates through experience and manifests itself through same, self is NOT the set of experiences.  Self is the EXPERIENCER.  Self is not the manifested, it is the MANIFESTOR.  Therefore, self is DIVINE.  Self persists in various forms and dances samsara in the cosmos, living in dukkha, seeking nirvana.